I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
