What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
just threw up in the bus full of other international students just outside of boulder, just keeping the aussie reputation alive
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Randomize
