So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Randomize
