He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Randomize
