i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
Randomize