I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
