I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
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