I feel great
I just peed on a car
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize