i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
