when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
You made out with two different species that night
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize
