Cold hands, warm shart.
That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Randomize
