I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
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