Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
Randomize