3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
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