In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
