i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
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