i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
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