I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
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