I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
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