I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
