booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
Randomize
