I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
