just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Randomize
