I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Randomize
