I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Randomize
