I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
