All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
Randomize
