So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
I need moral support for this bender
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Randomize
