Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Randomize