Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
Randomize
