The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
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