Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
My balls are so social today.
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
Randomize
