Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
i just saw her new tattoo, how much more trashy can you get than having "taste the rainbow" on your body for the rest of your life?
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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