My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
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