you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
Randomize
