Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
Randomize
