you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
This couple is walking their pig around campus
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
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