I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Randomize
