Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
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