I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
Randomize
