the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
Randomize
