dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
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