I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
