He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
I'm really busy with my period
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