Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
Its Shannon Doherty lazy not Forest Whittaker lazy
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Randomize
