I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
Randomize