My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
Randomize
