genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
Randomize
