Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
There should be an open time period where you show each other your goods and it's totally socially acceptable to bail.
I wholeheartedly concur
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
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