I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
Randomize
