my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
