I wish I could punch you in the face.
one word: firstdatebathroomanal
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
Randomize
