yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
