Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
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