The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
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