nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Randomize
