I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
Randomize
