I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
Pants are for mortals
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
