In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Randomize
