Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Im just a social blackout drinker.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
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