i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
I woke up under the kitchen table. Andy is cursing out Joe Exotic's name in between heaves in the bathroom. Jay is trying to sleep w/ a shirt tied over his eyes. Lena and Brad braved the sun to go get bloody mary supplies and food. I'd say the Tiger King drinking game was a success.
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