You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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