Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
