Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
Randomize